Good Parents, Bad Results
8 ways science shows that Mom and Dad go wrong when disciplining their
kids
http://health.usnews.com/articles/health/living-well-usn/2008/06/12/good
-parents-bad-results.html
Good Parents, Bad Results
8 ways science shows that Mom and Dad go wrong when disciplining their
kids
By Nancy Shute
Posted June 12, 2008
Does your 3-year-old throw a five-alarm tantrum every time you drop him
off at day care? Does "you're so smart!" fail to inspire your 8-year-old
to turn off Grand Theft Auto IV and tackle his math homework? Do the
clothes remain glued to your teenager's bedroom floor, along with your
antisocial teenager, no matter how much you nag or cajole? Being a
parent has never been easy-just ask your own. But in this day of
two-earner couples and single parents, when 9-year-olds have cellphones,
12-year-olds are binge drinking and having oral sex, and there is
evidence that teens are more fearful and depressed than ever, the
challenges of rearing competent and loving human beings are enough to
make a parent seek help from Supernanny. Actually, there is something
better: science.
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Researchers have spent decades studying what motivates children to
behave and can now say exactly what discipline methods work and what
don't: Call it "evidence-based parenting." Alas, many of parents'
favorite strategies are scientifically proven to fail. "It's intuitive
to scream at your child to change their behavior, even though the
research is unequivocal that it won't work," says Alan Kazdin, a
psychologist who directs the Yale Parenting Center and Child Conduct
Clinic. Other examples:
* Yelling and reasoning are equally ineffective; kids tune out both.
* Praise doesn't spoil a child; it's one of the most powerful tools that
parents can use to influence a child's actions. But most parents
squander praise by using it generically-"you're so smart" or "good
job!"-or skimping.
* Spanking and other harsh punishments ("You're grounded for a month!")
do stop bad behavior but only temporarily. Punishment works only if it's
mild, and it is far outweighed by positive reinforcement of good
behavior.
As yet, few of the bestselling books and videos that promise to turn
surly brats into little buttercups make use of this knowledge. That may
be because the research goes on in academia-at Yale, at Vermont's
Behavior Therapy and Psychotherapy Center, and at the University of
Washington's Parenting Clinic, for example. Surprisingly, many family
therapists and parenting educators aren't up to speed on the research,
either, so that parents who seek professional help won't necessarily get
the most proven advice. Case in point: Just 16 programs designed for
treating kids with disruptive behavior have been proven "well
established" in randomized clinical trials, according to a review led by
Sheila Eyberg at the University of Florida and published in the January
Journal of Clinical Child and Adolescent Psychology. Kazdin, who for
years has pushed clinical psychologists to adopt evidence-based methods,
published a book for parents earlier this year: The Kazdin Method for
Parenting the Defiant Child. Other lab-tested tomes include Parenting
the Strong-Willed Child by Rex Forehand and Nicholas Long and The
Incredible Years by Carolyn Webster-Stratton.
These discipline programs are grounded in classical behavioral
psychology-the positive reinforcement taught in Psych 101. Researchers
have run randomized controlled trials on all the nuances of typical
parent-child interactions and thus can say just how long a timeout
should last to be effective or how to praise a 13-year-old so that he
beams when he takes out the trash. Who knew that effectively praising a
child in order to motivate her has three essential steps? They are: 1)
Praise effusively, with the enthusiasm of a Powerball winner. 2) Say
exactly what the child did right. 3) Finish with a touch or hug.
What else can parents learn from the science? Researchers say these are
the biggest common boo-boos:
1. Parents fail at setting limits
It would be hard to find a parent who doesn't agree that setting and
enforcing rules are an essential part of the job description. Yet faced
with whining, pouting, and tantrums, many parents cave. "The limited
time you have with your kids, you want to make it ideal for them," says
Forehand, a professor of psychology at the University of Vermont whose
evidence-based program is outlined in his book. "As a result, we end up
overindulging our kids."
But, paradoxically, not having limits has been proven to make children
more defiant and rebellious, because they feel unsafe and push to see if
parents will respond. Research since the 1960s on parenting styles has
found that a child whose mom and dad are permissive is more likely to
have problems in school and abuse drugs and alcohol as teenagers.
"Parents ask their 1-year-olds what they want for dinner now," says Jean
Twenge, an associate professor of psychology at San Diego State
University and author of Generation Me. "No one ever said that a
generation or two ago." Using surveys dating back to the 1930s, Twenge
has found significant increases in reported symptoms of depression and
anxiety among today's children and teenagers, compared with earlier
generations. Suniya Luthar, a psychologist at Columbia University
Teachers College, reported in 2003 that children who are showered with
advantages are more likely to be depressed and anxious and to abuse
drugs and alcohol than the norm. Luthar says that's probably because
those children are under a lot of pressure to achieve at school and
think that their parents value their achievements more than themselves.
They also feel isolated from their parents.
Rule-setting works best when parents give simple, clear commands and
discuss the family rules with kids well in advance of a conflict,
according to Robert Hendren, a professor of psychiatry at the Medical
Investigation of Neurodevelopmental Disorders Institute at the
University of California-Davis and president of the American Academy of
Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. A common recommendation for parents who
fear coming off as a meanie: Let the child choose between two options
when either choice is acceptable to the parent. A half-hour of Nintendo
right after school, then homework? All homework before game time?
Consistency is also key. "I have to be very strict with myself and go
over and tell him the rules and walk away," says Lauren Jordan, a
stay-at-home mom in Essex Junction, Vt., whose 4-year-old son, Peter,
would scream and hit Jordan and her husband, Sean, then kick the wall
during timeout. "It felt out of control." Jordan signed up with
Vermont's Behavior Therapy and Psychotherapy Center to learn Forehand's
five-week process.
The first week was spent just "attending" to Peter, watching him play
and commenting without telling the preschooler what to do. "He loved
it," says Jordan, whose older son has autism and has required an outsize
share of her energy. "I realized at that point that he needs this
one-on-one attention." Jordan then had to learn to ignore Peter's minor
bad behavior (such as screaming for attention while Mom is on the phone)
and to not rush in to scold him during a timeout. "Consistency is the
key. It's not easy," Jordan says. "But it's made our home a much happier
place."
2. They're overprotective
Teachers, coaches, and psychotherapists alike have noticed that parents
today can't stand to see their children struggle or suffer a setback. So
they're stepping in to micromanage everything from playground quarrels
to baseball team positions to grades. Even bosses aren't immune. One
owner of a New York public relations firm says he has gotten E-mails
from parents telling him that's he's making their child work too much.
The child in question is in his 20s.
"Many well-meaning parents jump in too quickly," says Robert Brooks, a
clinical psychologist in Needham, Mass., and coauthor of Raising
Resilient Children. "Resilient children realize that sometimes they will
fail, make mistakes, have setbacks. They will attempt to learn from
them." When parents intercede, Brooks says, "it communicates to the kid
that 'I don't think you're capable of dealing with it.' We have to let
kids experience the consequences of their behavior."
Otherwise, they may grow afraid to try. "I see a lot of kids who seem
really unmotivated," says Kristen Gloff, 36, a clinical and school
social worker in the Chicago area. "It's not that they're lazy. They
don't want to fail."
3. They nag. Lecture. Repeat. Then yell
If one verbal nudge won't get a kid to come to dinner, 20 surely will.
Right? In fact, there's abundant evidence that humans tune out repeated
commands. "So many parents think they have to get very emotionally
upset, yell, threaten, use sarcasm," says Lynn Clark, a professor
emeritus of psychology at Western Kentucky University and author of SOS
Help for Parents. "The child imitates that behavior, and you get sassy
talk."
Nagging also gives children "negative reinforcement," or an
incentive-parental attention-to keep misbehaving. "I was kind of
ignoring the good behavior, and every time he did something wrong, I
would step in and give him attention," says Nancy Ailes, a 46-year-old
stay-at-home mom in East Haven, Conn. She was frustrated with her
9-year-old son, Nick, who would melt down and throw things if the day's
schedule changed, drag his feet about cleaning his room or doing
homework, and call her "bad Mommy" if she complained.
Parent management training this spring at the Yale Child Conduct Center
taught Ailes and her husband how to use positive reinforcement
instead-to praise Nick immediately and enthusiastically. Now, when Nick
is picking up his toys in the family room, she sits down, watches, and
says: "Wow, that looks really nice!"
Ailes and her husband, David, also learned how to set up a reward system
with points that Nick can cash in for Yu-Gi-Oh cards and Game Boy time
and to back up the system with timeouts for bad behavior. Within three
weeks, Ailes says, Nick had made a complete turnaround. "Instead of
doing things that make people unhappy," she says, "you do things that
make them happy!"
4. They praise too much-And badly
It seems like a truism that praising children would make them feel good
about themselves and motivate them to do better. But parents don't give
children attaboys as often as they think, Kazdin says. And when they do,
it's all too often either generic ("good job!") or centered on the
person, not the task ("you're so smart!"). This kind of praise actually
makes children less motivated and self-confident. In one experiment by
Carol Dweck, a psychologist now at Stanford University, fifth graders
who were praised for being intelligent, rather than making a good
effort, actually made less of an effort on tests and had a harder time
dealing with failure.
"It's so common now for parents to tell children that they're special,"
says Twenge. That fosters narcissism, she says, not self-esteem. Twenge
thinks parents tell a child "You're special" when they really mean
"You're special to me." Much better in every way, she says, to just say:
"I love you."
5. They punish too harshly
Although spanking has been deplored by child-development experts since
the days of Dr. Spock in the 1940s, as many as 90 percent of parents
think it's ok to spank young children, according to research by Murray
Straus, a professor of sociology at the University of New Hampshire.
Kazdin and other behavioral researchers say parents commonly punish far
more harshly than they need to.
After all, it's not supposed to be about payback, though that's often
what's going on, says Jamila Reid, codirector of the Parenting Clinic at
the University of Washington. The clinic's "The Incredible Years"
program has been found in seven studies to improve children's behavior.
"Often parents come looking for bigger sticks. We tell parents the word
discipline means 'teach.' It's something to teach a child that there's a
better way to respond."
Consider the fine art of the timeout. Parents often sabotage timeouts by
lecturing or by giving hugs, according to Sheila Eyberg, a professor of
psychology at the University of Florida. Her Parent-Child Interaction
Therapy is used in many mental health clinics. Forehand and other
researchers have spent many hours observing the use of timeout as a
disciplinary strategy to determine exactly what makes it effective. The
key finding: Discipline works best when it's immediate, mild, and brief,
because it's then associated with the transgression and doesn't breed
more anger and resentment. A timeout should last for just a few minutes,
usually one minute for each year of age of the child.
Teenagers who have outgrown timeouts shouldn't lose a privilege for more
than a day. Beyond that, the child's attitude shifts from regretting bad
behavior to resenting the parent. "The punishment business isn't just
ineffective," Kazdin says. "It leads to avoidance and escape. It puts a
little wedge in the relationship between parent and child." Long
groundings also make it more likely that the parents will relent after a
few days. Better, Kazdin says, to ask the child to practice good
behavior, such as fixing something he damaged, in order to win
privileges back.
6. They tell their child how to feel
Most parenting books focus on eradicating bad behavior. But in study
after study, empathy for other people leads the list of qualities that
people need to successfully handle relationships at school, at work, and
in the family. Children need to think about how their own feelings will
be affected by what they do, as well as the feelings of others, says
Myrna Shure, a developmental psychologist at Drexel University and
author of Raising a Thinking Child. "That is what will inhibit a child
from hurting others, either physically or emotionally."
And parents, by telling children "you're fine" or "don't cry," deny
children the chance to learn those lessons. "The child learns empathy
through being empathized with," says Stanley Greenspan, a child
psychiatrist in Chevy Chase, Md., whose most recent book, Great Kids,
tells parents how to help their child develop 10 essential qualities for
a happy life. Empathy, creativity, and logical thinking top the list. A
simple "We're so sorry, we know how it feels" is enough.
"Modeling empathic behavior is really very important," says James
Windell, a counselor with the juvenile court system in Oakland County,
Mich., and author of 8 Weeks to a Well-Behaved Child. "How you respond
to your children's needs sets the stage. It's really easy to be a
supportive parent when they bring home a straight-A report card. When
they get a bad grade, that's when they really need our support."
7. They put grades and SATs ahead of creativity
An overemphasis on good grades can also distort the message about how
and what children should learn. "We like kids to learn rules, and we
want them to learn facts," says Greenspan. "We're impressed when they
can read early or identify their shapes. It's much harder for us to
inspire them to come up with a creative idea." Children who can think
creatively are more likely to be able to bounce back if their first idea
doesn't work. They also know it can take time and patience to come up
with a good solution. The goal, says Greenspan, is not to have a child
who knows how to answer questions but one who will grow up to ask the
important questions.
Parents can help their children become independent thinkers by asking
open-ended questions like: Can you think of another way to solve the
problem with your teammate? Or ask a whining preschooler: Can you think
of a different way to tell me what you want?
8. They forget to have fun
"When I talk to families that aren't functioning so well, and I ask, how
often do you laugh together, they say: We haven't laughed together for a
long time," says Hendren. Those little signs of love and connection-a
laugh, a song shared in the car-are, he says, signs of health.
